Post by Abe on Feb 6, 2007 22:18:11 GMT -5
Swe board presents: Abe the Casanova.
Background: Because of some miscommunication, I had two dates booked on the same night. I decided to go to both of them, simply because I hadn't done that before. Two females in one night. In theory, that's kinda cool. Makes one feel like he's fucking Don Juan. Tempting. But Don Juan sure as hell never had a night like the one I had in front of me.
Date one. We are supposed to meet at a bar, have a beer or two, and just chat for about an hour. Should be easy enough, especially since date number 2 wasn't til a few hours later. Easy. Right?
First sign of trouble, she takes me to an irish pub. A fucking irish pub. Not good. What happends to irish people on a friday night when they hit the pub? That's right, they become generous. The plan of having a beer or two, goes out the window as the irish geezers unload their wallets in the bar.
"Shots on me mate!"
"Glas looks empty mate, have another"
"Try this mate!"
Two hours later, Abe is so full of tequila shots, whiskey and various kinds of beer that he should go straight home and sleep. Really, he should. But it's about time to go to date number 2. Not a problem is it? Abe's drunk as fuck, and feels like superman. You know how it is.
Abe walks in a not very straight line, from the pub, to the place where he's supposed to meet girl number two. Right on time, suprisingly, and there she is.
"Hello", says cute blonde.
"Pleaaashta meetchaa!", says Abe, trying hard to act polite.
Knowing that I've had enough, I pray that she wants to go for a walk in a park or something. But I'm shit outta luck.
"I wanna hit a bar", says cute blonde.
"Whatever you say", sighs Abe.
We find a bar, sit down, buy some beer, and start talking. Well, she does, Abe responds in the ancient viking language that's limited to the phrase "Hrrrmfff...uuh". Abe tries to drink slow, but she won't have none of that. Pretty soon Abe wants to piss, puke and pass out, with or without a bathroom. Cute blonde brings in more booze. Abe prays for it to stop, but no one's listening.
Abe knows he's fucked, and manages to convince cute blonde that it's time to leave. She gets up, exits the bar, walk ten feet, and goes straight into the next place and orders another round. By now, resistance is futile, Abe just follows.
Half an hour later, Abe's pretty sure he will die on the spot from alcohol poisoning if he drinks another sip, and finally cute blonde agrees on leaving.
"Lets go to your place", says cute (and by now obviously drunk) blonde.
"Right..." says Abe.
Conflict in Abe's brain at this point. Common sense is saying no you fucking idiot, don't do it. Reptile brain is saying yeah you stud, go for it.
Reptile brain wins.
When the couple reaches Abe's appartment, Abe can no longer think or speak, and react purely on instinct. He's supposed to do something with this blonde creature, but can't remember what. Reptile brain suggests making out and getting dirty. Abe gives it a try, but he no longer has control over his limbs and stumbles forward, hits the wall face first and pass out on the bed.
Two hours later, Abe wakes up in horror and notice two frightening things. First, the furniture is flying. Yep, hallucinations. Fuck. Second, cute blond has a breath that could be classified as toxic waste.
The sight of flying furniture, and the smell from hell is too much, Abe stumbles into the bathroom and pukes his guts out. Cold sweat, shivering, you name it - Abe's got it all and knows he's dying.
After another two hours, Abe is stable enought o return to the bed, only to find the not-so-cute-anymore-blond with the corpse breath. No sleeping in that bed. Abe passes out again, this time on the floor.
Six hours later, Abe wakes up, feels like shit and gets a polite "bye" from cute blonde before she leaves.
Never saw either of them again. Be grateful lads, that Abe the dumb fuck makes these mistakes for you, so you don't have to.
Background: Because of some miscommunication, I had two dates booked on the same night. I decided to go to both of them, simply because I hadn't done that before. Two females in one night. In theory, that's kinda cool. Makes one feel like he's fucking Don Juan. Tempting. But Don Juan sure as hell never had a night like the one I had in front of me.
Date one. We are supposed to meet at a bar, have a beer or two, and just chat for about an hour. Should be easy enough, especially since date number 2 wasn't til a few hours later. Easy. Right?
First sign of trouble, she takes me to an irish pub. A fucking irish pub. Not good. What happends to irish people on a friday night when they hit the pub? That's right, they become generous. The plan of having a beer or two, goes out the window as the irish geezers unload their wallets in the bar.
"Shots on me mate!"
"Glas looks empty mate, have another"
"Try this mate!"
Two hours later, Abe is so full of tequila shots, whiskey and various kinds of beer that he should go straight home and sleep. Really, he should. But it's about time to go to date number 2. Not a problem is it? Abe's drunk as fuck, and feels like superman. You know how it is.
Abe walks in a not very straight line, from the pub, to the place where he's supposed to meet girl number two. Right on time, suprisingly, and there she is.
"Hello", says cute blonde.
"Pleaaashta meetchaa!", says Abe, trying hard to act polite.
Knowing that I've had enough, I pray that she wants to go for a walk in a park or something. But I'm shit outta luck.
"I wanna hit a bar", says cute blonde.
"Whatever you say", sighs Abe.
We find a bar, sit down, buy some beer, and start talking. Well, she does, Abe responds in the ancient viking language that's limited to the phrase "Hrrrmfff...uuh". Abe tries to drink slow, but she won't have none of that. Pretty soon Abe wants to piss, puke and pass out, with or without a bathroom. Cute blonde brings in more booze. Abe prays for it to stop, but no one's listening.
Abe knows he's fucked, and manages to convince cute blonde that it's time to leave. She gets up, exits the bar, walk ten feet, and goes straight into the next place and orders another round. By now, resistance is futile, Abe just follows.
Half an hour later, Abe's pretty sure he will die on the spot from alcohol poisoning if he drinks another sip, and finally cute blonde agrees on leaving.
"Lets go to your place", says cute (and by now obviously drunk) blonde.
"Right..." says Abe.
Conflict in Abe's brain at this point. Common sense is saying no you fucking idiot, don't do it. Reptile brain is saying yeah you stud, go for it.
Reptile brain wins.
When the couple reaches Abe's appartment, Abe can no longer think or speak, and react purely on instinct. He's supposed to do something with this blonde creature, but can't remember what. Reptile brain suggests making out and getting dirty. Abe gives it a try, but he no longer has control over his limbs and stumbles forward, hits the wall face first and pass out on the bed.
Two hours later, Abe wakes up in horror and notice two frightening things. First, the furniture is flying. Yep, hallucinations. Fuck. Second, cute blond has a breath that could be classified as toxic waste.
The sight of flying furniture, and the smell from hell is too much, Abe stumbles into the bathroom and pukes his guts out. Cold sweat, shivering, you name it - Abe's got it all and knows he's dying.
After another two hours, Abe is stable enought o return to the bed, only to find the not-so-cute-anymore-blond with the corpse breath. No sleeping in that bed. Abe passes out again, this time on the floor.
Six hours later, Abe wakes up, feels like shit and gets a polite "bye" from cute blonde before she leaves.
Never saw either of them again. Be grateful lads, that Abe the dumb fuck makes these mistakes for you, so you don't have to.